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Today I Love You

July 7, 2016

 

Today I love you because 

I have all these childhood memories to go by.

Because you were the one to drive me to ballet classes,

Roll my hair up in a bun and put my ballet slippers on.

You were the one I’d always have a laugh with,

My surrogate mother, the idea of what I wanted my kids to have when I grew up.

 

Today I love you because you were never the monster

That hurt me and haunts my darkest dreams,

You merely married him because you didn’t know any better.

Today I love you, even though you said you didn’t know anything about 

What happened to me as my childhood was stolen,

Even though he asked me to lie to you, 

Cause you’d been asking about what happened with me and if he fancied me.

But you never asked.

 

Today I love you because your weakness caused my strength to rise,

Not even knowing where it came from but an instinct of survival,

A need to keep going because someone had to help me out of that hellhole,

And there was no one else but me.

Today I love you because I finally understand

That you led me to that dark room, without even realising the lights were out.

Because you didn’t see, or didn’t want to see, what was right in front of our eyes.

 

Today I love you because I can’t forgive you,

Because I’ve seen what you’ve done, or better yet, what you haven’t done

And realise that you never learnt how to deal with these dark emotions,

Didn’t know how to reach out.

I learned secrecy from you like I learned how to wear makeup,

Because you have to make the ugly look pretty and not give away how it happened.

 

Today I love you.

We laugh, having a cup of tea in our hands and we go shopping together.

I remember how you promised me you’d protect your own child

Like you were never able to protect me and I see that, in your own way, you are really trying.

 

This is why, Today I love you. Because I’ve decided not to hate you,

So I repeat to myself that today I love you and tomorrow I’ll do the same,

Until the message sinks in and I no longer see him reaching out for me at night,

No longer remember how I couldn’t even understand what was wrong,

Because we had such a good time in the day time.

 

Today I love you because I grew up to be stronger than you,

I learned to stand up for myself and those that need me, no matter the consequences,

And I can see, clear as I see my face in the mirror, that you never had those skills.

You learned to rely on everyone else to solve your life, so how could I ever rely on you?

 

Today I love you because I need to trust you,

Not for my own sake but because I know you need my help,

I’ll tell you everything is alright, it’s all in the past,

Because it finally is for me and I am what I am despite of you.

I learned to be happy no matter what has happened in the past, because 

These experiences only made me grow, they do not define you, as they never defined me.

Today I love you because I know you loved me, the best way you could,

Even if that wasn’t enough. 

 

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Susy

Alfaro