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One Final Goodbye

July 7, 2016

You were the first person I ever called "home". All the dreams we had, all the words we said, all the love we shared; seemed to compile and make up the idea of who I wanted to be, and where I felt I belonged. You were that new beginning I'd always hoped for. 

 

And then, you were no more.

 

Even though it was my decision, as time passed by, it became harder and harder for me to discern between man and dream, and that was a grave mistake.

 

I ached for a land I'd discovered that stole my heart and captivated my lens. I hurt for the one I loved and felt his ever-present absence. I wanted my life back, to feel alive and full and myself as I once had, instead of this semi-version that sleepwalks through the days, managing to get by. I felt alone, disappointed, stuck.

 

That's when you came along. That constant I'd always been able to depend on. Those loving, adoring words. You said everything I wanted to hear and more. You shushed my fears of growing up alone, told me the words of love I wanted so badly to hear from someone else, you were a chance for me to go back to the place I longed for every single say from dawn til dusk. And I thought, "he's it".

 

The problem with attributing foreign qualities to a person is they can never own up to what isn't a part of them. What I searched for in your eyes was something that was never there, memories of my life I thought I could bring back if only I held on to you hard enough.

 

I guess it's complicated how, when we look at Santa Fe, we each see two very different towns. You see the one where we were together, what we used to do, the comforts you've built for yourself and what we shared for some time. I see the place where I found myself. I see the circus, the long nights, the laughter, the risks. I see the life I built there from scratch after I broke up with you.

 

There's no easy say of aiming to understand what happened but to put the blame on a heart that got seriously confused. By words of love, beautiful memories, and the dream of being that girl you loved. That girl I am no more.

 

It seems redundant to say I'm sorry, even though I am, for having hurt you in such unceremonious a manner. I never meant to do you any harm. Caught up in the illusion, I firmly believed (and had way too much outside encouragement) that you were everything I thought I hoped for. I'm sorry.

 

After all the pain, the fights, the stabs in each other's hearts, there really is nothing left to say but I am sorry. I couldn't break down my feelings properly, didn't stop to think, I jumped and we both hit the solid rock bottom, and I never meant for that to happen to us.

 

I know I've lost your friendship forever and I can only hope you heal and find new reasons to smile. That you someday find someone who can love you like I no longer can, and makes your life everything you want it to be.

 

Thank you, for showing me a new kind of love, for all the adventures, all the tears. I'll never be the same person I used to be before you and I'm forever grateful.

 

And, finally, goodbye. 

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Susy

Alfaro